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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » October 30th, 2009, 4:59 pm

For Halloween:

One Halloween, a very sensitive bald guy with a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company explaining the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The paisley silk handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just wonderful as a pirate captain."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says “Dear Sir, so sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a candied apple!"
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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CameronBornAndBred
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » October 30th, 2009, 5:16 pm

devildeac wrote: The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a candied apple!"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Duke born, Duke bred, cooking on a grill so I'm tailgate fed.
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Re: Jokes

Post by bjornolf » October 30th, 2009, 6:18 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a candied apple!"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Wow, I am humbled. ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^

%%-
@};- @};-
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Re: Jokes

Post by DukieInKansas » October 30th, 2009, 10:37 pm

Help Wanted: Bell Ringer
A cathedral had posted a "Help Wanted: Bell Ringer" sign in front of the church.

A man came to the door of the church and, having no arms, banged his head against the door to knock. The priest answered, and
asked, "How can I help you, my son?"

"I've come for the bell-ringer position," the man replied eagerly.

The priest looked at the man, wondering what to say, but before he could say
anything, the enthusiastic man rushed past him and ran up the steps to the belfry.

The priest ran after him and as he reached the top of the stairs, to his horror, he saw the
armless man jump face-first into the bell.

"DONG!!!!" went the bell. The priest was overwhelmed by this display. "My son, please..." he started, but to no avail, as the man was already jumping again.

"DONG!!!" "Please stop this, my son!" yelled the priest, but the man just backed up for
another charge. As he started to run towards the bell again, the priest managed to get in front of him, but just at the last moment, the armless man dodged to the side, tripped, and fell from the belfry.

Horrified, the priest ran downstairs and outside, where a crowd of people had gathered around the body of the armless man.

"Who is this?" asked a member of the crowd, turning to the priest.

"I don't know," the priest responded, "but his face sure rings a bell."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Miles » October 30th, 2009, 10:53 pm

bjornolf wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a candied apple!"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Wow, I am humbled. ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^

%%-
OMG were you that guy? Both your legs looked totally real at the ball game.

Missed you at Brunchgate man!
sMiles
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » October 30th, 2009, 11:16 pm

DukieInKansas wrote:Help Wanted: Bell Ringer
A cathedral had posted a "Help Wanted: Bell Ringer" sign in front of the church.

A man came to the door of the church and, having no arms, banged his head against the door to knock. The priest answered, and
asked, "How can I help you, my son?"

"I've come for the bell-ringer position," the man replied eagerly.

The priest looked at the man, wondering what to say, but before he could say
anything, the enthusiastic man rushed past him and ran up the steps to the belfry.

The priest ran after him and as he reached the top of the stairs, to his horror, he saw the
armless man jump face-first into the bell.

"DONG!!!!" went the bell. The priest was overwhelmed by this display. "My son, please..." he started, but to no avail, as the man was already jumping again.

"DONG!!!" "Please stop this, my son!" yelled the priest, but the man just backed up for
another charge. As he started to run towards the bell again, the priest managed to get in front of him, but just at the last moment, the armless man dodged to the side, tripped, and fell from the belfry.

Horrified, the priest ran downstairs and outside, where a crowd of people had gathered around the body of the armless man.

"Who is this?" asked a member of the crowd, turning to the priest.

"I don't know," the priest responded, "but his face sure rings a bell."
This is a great joke. Want to hear the sequel? ;) :D
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » October 30th, 2009, 11:18 pm

Miles wrote:
bjornolf wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote: =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Wow, I am humbled. ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^

%%-
OMG were you that guy? Both your legs looked totally real at the ball game.

Missed you at Brunchgate man!
:)) :)) =)) =))
Sorry, this just ain't the same without all 3 embedded quotes. :(
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by DevilAlumna » October 30th, 2009, 11:18 pm

devildeac wrote:This is a great joke. Want to hear the sequel? ;) :D
You even have to ask? ;)
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Re: Jokes

Post by DukieInKansas » October 30th, 2009, 11:20 pm

A few weeks later, as the priest was sitting in his office contemplating the service for the upcoming mass, he heard a knock at the door.

Upon opening it he saw another armless man, identical to the unfortunate soul
who had visited him before. At first the priest just stared in shock, thinking it was the same person, but realizing it couldn't possibly be.
Finally he managed to blurt out, "Can. . .can I help you?"

"Yes," answered the man, "I have come to pay respects to my dead twin brother. He was here a few weeks ago and died in a tragic accident."

"Oh! Oh, your twin!" exclaimed the priest. "Oh my, yes! I am so very sorry for your loss, my son. Would you like to come in and light a
candle for him?"

"No, I just want to ring the bell for him."

"No! Wait!" the priest cried, feeling like he was trapped in a recurring nightmare. But the armless man went dashing up the stairs before the priest could do anything. Just as his brother had done earlier, the man
jumped face-first into the bell.

"DONG!!!!!" "No! Please, my son! Stop!"
the priest cried in desperation.

"DONG!!!!!" The hysterical priest ran about frantically, trying to tackle the fanatic bell-ringer.

Suddenly, the second armless man tripped, and he too fell to his death on the pavement below.

The poor priest was utterly shocked and horrified. He frantically dashed down to the church yard, and again found a crowd of people looking over the body. "Who is this?" inquired one of the people.

"I don't know," replied the priest, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » October 30th, 2009, 11:27 pm

DukieInKansas wrote:A few weeks later, as the priest was sitting in his office contemplating the service for the upcoming mass, he heard a knock at the door.

Upon opening it he saw another armless man, identical to the unfortunate soul
who had visited him before. At first the priest just stared in shock, thinking it was the same person, but realizing it couldn't possibly be.
Finally he managed to blurt out, "Can. . .can I help you?"

"Yes," answered the man, "I have come to pay respects to my dead twin brother. He was here a few weeks ago and died in a tragic accident."

"Oh! Oh, your twin!" exclaimed the priest. "Oh my, yes! I am so very sorry for your loss, my son. Would you like to come in and light a
candle for him?"

"No, I just want to ring the bell for him."

"No! Wait!" the priest cried, feeling like he was trapped in a recurring nightmare. But the armless man went dashing up the stairs before the priest could do anything. Just as his brother had done earlier, the man
jumped face-first into the bell.

"DONG!!!!!" "No! Please, my son! Stop!"
the priest cried in desperation.

"DONG!!!!!" The hysterical priest ran about frantically, trying to tackle the fanatic bell-ringer.

Suddenly, the second armless man tripped, and he too fell to his death on the pavement below.

The poor priest was utterly shocked and horrified. He frantically dashed down to the church yard, and again found a crowd of people looking over the body. "Who is this?" inquired one of the people.

"I don't know," replied the priest, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
That's the sequel.


:)) :))

=)) =))

Beat me to it. Well done.

:ymapplause: :ymapplause:

^:)^ ^:)^
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by DukieInKansas » October 30th, 2009, 11:32 pm

There's a 3rd one but it has been several years since I heard it. I'll have to think about it for a while.
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » October 30th, 2009, 11:34 pm

DukieInKansas wrote:There's a 3rd one but it has been several years since I heard it. I'll have to think about it for a while.
I have not heard that one. :-w :whistle:
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by DevilAlumna » October 30th, 2009, 11:50 pm

DukieInKansas wrote: "I don't know," replied the priest, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Bwahahahahaha!!! =)) =)) :)) :))

I knew I'd heard it before, but for the life of me couldn't remember! Thanks for these laughs tonight!
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » November 2nd, 2009, 11:13 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a candied apple!"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
I needed that!!!! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » November 2nd, 2009, 11:17 pm

Miles wrote:
bjornolf wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:"quote="devildeac""
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a candied apple!""/quote"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Wow, I am humbled. ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^

%%-
OMG were you that guy? Both your legs looked totally real at the ball game.

Missed you at Brunchgate man!
=)) =)) =)) :)) :)) :)) =)) =)) =)) =)) :ymdevil: :ymdevil: :ymdevil: :ymdevil: :ymdevil: :)) :)) :)) :)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » November 2nd, 2009, 11:19 pm

DukieInKansas wrote:Help Wanted: Bell Ringer
.... "I don't know," the priest responded, "but his face sure rings a bell."
i LOVE IT!!!!! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » November 2nd, 2009, 11:22 pm

DukieInKansas wrote:A few weeks later, as the priest was sitting in his office contemplating the service for the upcoming mass, he heard a knock at the door.

Upon opening it he saw another armless man, identical to the unfortunate soul
who had visited him before. At first the priest just stared in shock, thinking it was the same person, but realizing it couldn't possibly be.
Finally he managed to blurt out, "Can. . .can I help you?"

"Yes," answered the man, "I have come to pay respects to my dead twin brother. He was here a few weeks ago and died in a tragic accident."

"Oh! Oh, your twin!" exclaimed the priest. "Oh my, yes! I am so very sorry for your loss, my son. Would you like to come in and light a
candle for him?"

"No, I just want to ring the bell for him."

"No! Wait!" the priest cried, feeling like he was trapped in a recurring nightmare. But the armless man went dashing up the stairs before the priest could do anything. Just as his brother had done earlier, the man
jumped face-first into the bell.

"DONG!!!!!" "No! Please, my son! Stop!"
the priest cried in desperation.

"DONG!!!!!" The hysterical priest ran about frantically, trying to tackle the fanatic bell-ringer.

Suddenly, the second armless man tripped, and he too fell to his death on the pavement below.

The poor priest was utterly shocked and horrified. He frantically dashed down to the church yard, and again found a crowd of people looking over the body. "Who is this?" inquired one of the people.

"I don't know," replied the priest, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
:Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap:
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Joke

Post by knights68 » November 3rd, 2009, 8:08 am

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
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Re: Joke

Post by CameronBornAndBred » November 3rd, 2009, 8:18 am

knights68 wrote:Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » November 3rd, 2009, 8:19 am

Note: Picture of a beautiful woman at a fancy bar, probably drinking a martini, should be at the top of this joke, but it doesn't show up here.

2nd note: This is NOT to be taken personally by a certain lovely. ;) It is just a joke and does not represent my personal viewpoint. :D


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too."
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
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