A Double Dose Of Vibes Needed

[TillyGalore]

Sending vibes to you and your friend's family as you say your goodbyes today.

[Lavabe]

Sorry about your friend. Vibes flowing by way of the Southern Cross.

Really sad to see about the PhD, but more power to you on the job front. Does this now limit you to Canada, or do you have a chance at something in the UK?

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Still thinking of you and hoping everything smoothes out quickly. Don't forget to breathe!
Love, Ima

[colchar]

Sorry about your friend. Vibes flowing by way of the Southern Cross.

Really sad to see about the PhD, but more power to you on the job front. Does this now limit you to Canada, or do you have a chance at something in the UK?

For the moment, I am limiting myself to Canada but would seriously consider the UK if the right opportunity came up. I'm not bothering to look for jobs in Britain but may decide to do so in the future. My biggest issue right now is my parents - my Dad is 76 and has become an old man lately so I am not sure how much longer he'll be with us. I wouldn't want to leave for the UK and lose him while I am 5000 miles away and I'd like to be around to spend as much time with him as I can in whatever time he has left. There is also my Mom to consider because once Dad is gone, she'll be on her own. My brother lives in Toronto but is wrapped up in his own life so helping out Mom and Dad pretty much falls to me. If I were to leave for the UK I would feel like I was abandoning them. They left the UK and their families for Canada, understand my desire to go back there, and have told me not to hold myself back on their account but I am just not sure I could do it. Because of all that I think I will hang around here for as long as they are with us and then I'll make the move. All that being said, if I were to come across a great opportunity in the UK I would have to seriously seriously consider it. To be honest, I'm kinda torn about the whole thing.

[colchar]

Thanks for all the good wishes everyone (both in this thread and those that arrived via PM).

The funeral was pretty rough. I spent most of my time with his wife and didn't really see too much of his brother or his family as I just wasn't all that comfortable around them due to a bunch of crap that happened over the years. Maybe some background would help explain this. A warning though, I kind of need to vent so this might end up being a little long. My apologies for that in advance.

I became friends with D (the deceased) years ago and, through him, his brother M1 (there are a few people with the initial M so I will give them numbers to differentiate between them) and I became friends and, later, best friends. We were literally inseparable. When D met his wife M2 I, understandably, saw less of him over the years as they were busy starting their life together. I also met a girl and we had a child together so I was busy with my family. When she and I split up (our son was about 18 months old at the time) I temporarily moved back in with my parents and, after a week or so, I was going a little nuts and needed to get the hell out of the house and go drinking so I called D and told him what had happened. I hadn't spoken to him in about six months and hadn't seen him in about a year at that point. But none of that matter to him - he immediately said he would call in sick to work and take me out drinking. I told him not to bother losing the money and he said fine, I finish work at 11pm and I'll be at your place at 11:05 (he worked a couple of blocks from my parent's place). Sure enough, he showed up and took me out for a few hours and we resumed regular contact. He and M2 were to be married soon and, since I had popped back into his life and we had been such good friends, they rearranged their wedding party so that I could be included. His brother M1 and I also became closer at that point and it was then that we became best friends.

Fast forward a couple of years and I introduced M1 to a girl I knew M3 (I told you there were a lot of people with the initial M!). They started dating and it got serious. About 5-6 months later she told me that she was still screwing a married guy she worked with. I have no idea why she thought I wouldn't tell M1 about it but maybe she was under some delusion that my loyalties lay with her rather than him. I immediately told D about this and he said that, if I didn't tell M1, he would. I said I would bite the bullet and proceeded to tell M1 that his girlfriend was screwing some other guy. He confronted her and she somehow convinced him that I was trying to break them up because I wanted her for myself. If that had been the case then why hadn't I asked her out before introducing them as I'd known her for a few years prior to doing that? Also, I didn't find her attractive at all. But whatever, he bought her story and basically fucked me off from that point on. They later married, had a son, and are still together.

Not long after that two other friends of ours, who I had set up on a date and who had ended up marrying each other (he was a university friend and my main golfing buddy while she and I had gone to school together our whole lives), had a baby girl who tragically died at 3 days old. We were all at her funeral and, afterwards, the woman in that relationship hugged me and then proceeded to lose it. Understandable when she had just lost her baby. She had held it together as well as could be expected during the funeral but at that point she broke down completely. Maybe it was because we had been friends for so long, maybe it was because I had introduced them - who knows? The point is she lost it and wouldn't let go of me (her Mom and her husband eventually had to kind of pry her away from me because she had broken down so badly). While she was hanging on to me M3 (my former best friend's girlfriend and the one who had been cheating) piped up with "Why the hell is she hanging on to him?" I heard this and, when the Mom who had lost her baby was pried away from me, I turned around ready to fucking kill her. Seriously, I was gonna explode. My Dad was at the funeral, had heard what M3 had said, and he took one look at my face and said "Don't do it, not here." He was, of course, right and I let the whole thing drop. M1 had a very worried look on his face at the time because he must have been certain that there was no way I could control myself. But control myself I did. But I've never ever forgotten that comment. And I never will. What an absolute fucking bitch. I was so freakin' pissed off that I didn't even go to the wake because she was there and, if I had had a couple of drinks, I wouldn't have been able to hold off so I thought it best that I just not go. A week or two after that funeral I took the husband out golfing and he told me that he had heard the comment as well. He and his wife have had virtually nothing to do with M1 and M3 since then. Although taking him out golfing might seem kind of strange when he had just buried his newborn daughter, his wife called me later to thank me because she said it was the best thing I could've done because I only talked about the baby when he brought her up and, the rest of the time, I just treated him like I had every other time we had gone golfing. She said being treated 'normal' was the best medicine he coulda had at that time as nobody else was acting normally around them (understandable I guess).

A couple of years later I got a call from D and M1's Mom. M1 had told her about me trying to break them up, etc. and his parents, for whatever reason, had bought the story. For some reason D had remained silent through all of this but, on the day his Mom called me, he had snapped over something that his Mom had been bitching about. He was badmouthing M3 in a big way and his mother had asked why he was trying to break them up like I had. At that point he snapped and told his parents what had really happened. His Mom was upset that they had been blaming me and called asking me to come over to the house but my own Mom was in hospital after having cancer surgery so I had other things to do and never did bother going to the house. That phone call was the last time I spoke to either of their parents.

D and his wife M2 and I stayed friends over the years but didn't see much of each other because I was living in another town about an hour away and because he was so sick. Despite that, things were always fine with us whenever we did get together. When D passed away, I spoke to his brother M1 and, as I said earlier in the thread, I told him I would take him out for a couple of hours for a few drinks if he needed to get away and clear his head or whatever. He said he needed that and would let me know when he had an hour or two free so I waited for him to call. He never did call but I chalked that up to him being too busy making arrangements, etc. At the visitation (or maybe it was at the funeral) I mentioned to D's widow M2 that I had made that offer but hadn't heard from M1. She said she'd heard about my offer and that, as far as she knew, M1's wife M3 had played a huge role in his not calling. Basically, he had been allowed out if he needed to get away but not with me. I guess she's still being a fucktard over things that happened well over a decade ago. I decided to be the bigger person and just let it drop. But the whole thing made the visitation and funeral rather uncomfortable for me and, as I said, I spent the majority of my time with D's widow and I think she appreciated that (her sister also sent me a message on Facebook thanking me for keeping her going through the whole thing so I am glad I did spend all my time with her as I guess she really needed it). Actually, I left the visitation a little earlier than planned because the widow, M2, had said that she knew I was uncomfortable and she was fine with my leaving. She said D would've said the same thing so it was alright for me to take off.

As if losing one of my oldest and closest friends wasn't enough, the visitation and funeral were very uncomfortable for me. He would've understood though. Actually, had he been there, he would have told M1 to grow a set of balls and told M3 to go fuck herself but that's another story. It was also kind of strange hearing stories being told during the memorial service in which my name was mentioned because I had played a large part in his life (one, in particular, that was told by his widow's sister really stands out). There was an opportunity for anyone who wanted to to get up and share a memory of him and I wanted to relate the story I mentioned above of how he had been willing to drop everything and help me when I needed him even though I hadn't seen him in about a year (when my son's mother and I split up) as I thought that really spoke to his character and how loyal he was to those he cared about. But I didn't because I was so uncomfortable. Now I kinda wish I had said 'fuck it' and gotten up but it is far too late for that.

So, I lost my best friend years ago because of his wife and she made it rather uncomfortable for me to say goodbye to his brother with whom I was very close. But at least I got to help his widow through everything and I can take some solace in that.

I warned everyone this would be long (it was probably rather confusing too!) and, once again, my apologies for that. For whatever reason, I just felt the need to vent about all of this today.

[DukieInKansas]

Colchar,

Thank you for sharing. You are a wonderful son and family. D was fortunate to have had you for a friend. M1 and M2 are lucky to know you. M3 is a bitch. Shin kicks are heading her way. It you want, I will go purchase or borrow a pair of steel toed boots to use when delivering additional shin kicks.

DinK

(I hope I got all the Ms with the correct numbers.)

[DukePA]

That's right, DinK. There are some big ass mental shin kicks attacks aimed towards M3. What a bee-atch

[TillyGalore]

I'm with Dink and DPA, major ass shin kicks heading M3's way.

Did writing all this down feel cathartic at all for you? You're a good man, Colchar. Check in with M2 (D's wife) as she's going to need a friend in the coming weeks and months.




YOU HAVE A SON! I swear in all the time I've known you, you've never mentioned being a dad.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Well all this would make a movie script! No kidding. Maybe you should start writing all this down and maybe a novel would evolve while you're deciding what your next move will be. Have you read any of John Hart's books? These folks all sound like some of his characters!

Pass along our vibes to your folks. Tell them about us all and how we care.

You're gonna land on your feet. Something good is around the corner for somebody as resourceful as you.

Still vibing.
Love, Ima

[ArkieDukie]

I echo my CTN sisters' comments. Pointy-toed shin kicks are flying to M3, as are stiletto heel foot stomps. Kudos to you, colchar, on graceful handling of a difficult situation. I'm also sending vibes again, just because.

[CathyCA]

I had a hard time following the story, so I copied it and pasted it into a word processing document. Then I gave everyone names: David, Mary Anne, Michael and Michelle. After I had distinguished all of the M people from each other, the story was easier to follow.

Michelle is a bitch.

Colchar, you are a good friend. David and Michael are lucky to have you in their lives.

Finally, you have a son? Like Tilly, I don't think I ever knew that. Sometime, I'd like to learn more about him.

[colchar]

I'm with Dink and DPA, major ass shin kicks heading M3's way.

Did writing all this down feel cathartic at all for you?

It was a bit cathartic. Sorry to unload it all here but it was one of those times when writing it out did help a bit.

You're a good man, Colchar.

Thanks.

Check in with M2 (D's wife) as she's going to need a friend in the coming weeks and months.

I will. I've spoken to her sister and she will keep me updated.

YOU HAVE A SON! I swear in all the time I've known you, you've never mentioned being a dad.

Yes I do. He is 18.

[colchar]

I had a hard time following the story, so I copied it and pasted it into a word processing document. Then I gave everyone names: David, Mary Anne, Michael and Michelle. After I had distinguished all of the M people from each other, the story was easier to follow.

Michelle is a bitch.

Funnily enough, Michelle is her real name. But using it in the story wouldn't have made things any easier as the widow's name is also Michelle. So yes, both brothers married girls named Michelle.

Even funnier is that Maryanne is the name of another old and close friend (my son's Godmother) and she and I attended the funeral together. I am actually supposed to be at a birthday party for her right now but it was to be a backyard BBQ and it is pouring so I haven't bothered heading over there yet. I should point out though that she didn't play any role in the story I posted above (although she was best friends with the woman who lost her baby at three days old and she and I attended that funeral together as well).

Colchar, you are a good friend. David and Michael are lucky to have you in their lives.

Thanks. I somehow doubt I'll have any more contact with the surviving brother and that anything I hear of the family will come from the widow.

Finally, you have a son? Like Tilly, I don't think I ever knew that. Sometime, I'd like to learn more about him.

Yeppers. Johnathan is 18 and is doing well.

[lawgrad91]

Colchar, Asics Gel kicks to the bit, uh, person who separated you from your friend. Hang in there!

[Lavabe]

I followed it with no trouble, but the anthropologist in me was begging colchar to do something like EGO (for D), then M's for males and F's for female's. I then started charting it with traditional kinship symbols.

Imagine what would have happened had D, not colchar, or if even both D and colchar together actually told M1 the news about the woman.

Sorry about all of this, colchar. Given all of your issues of late (this, school, job), I hope you are in good mental shape.

[shereec]

Thank you for sharing - I, too, hope it was cathartic to share your story. I lost my best friend last November and still have little mental conversations with her, so I believe whether you said goodbye at the wake or not, your friend knows. Here's a big dose of hugs and good vibes for good things headed your way.

Big shin kicks to Bitchelle.

[captmojo]

The story, however long, was needed for you to relate. Even if no one reads it, but we will...gladly, so your feelings are out. You can't hold shit like this in. It ain't good for you. I hope future works itself out. Maybe the bitch will get caught with her guard down while cheating again. It could very well happen. She was unfaithful before and may be bold enough to go for it again.

If I can advise anything, in your case it probably could not have been prevented, one thought comes to mind. I have experienced this...whenever you step in to break up an argument between lovers, be prepared as it's quite possible that they will team up and turn on you!

[colchar]

Thanks for everyone's comments and thoughts in this thread. Having friends like you who allow you to unload when needed certainly make things easier to take.

[Very Duke Blue]

I'm trying to catch up with my CTN friends threads and comments. Having just finished reading your thread colchar, I'm sending many vibes and lots of prayers. Also, best of luck with finding a job that you will love.

What would we all do without our CTN friends?

[bjornolf]

and