crazietalk.net

Posted: **November 29th, 2016, 12:06 pm**

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Posted: **November 30th, 2016, 11:49 am**

It's a stretch, Oz --- but worth it!

Love, Ima

Posted: **November 30th, 2016, 6:14 pm**

Posted: **December 1st, 2016, 10:28 am**

Love it, Ozzie! I even managed to remember it to tell it twice.

Posted: **December 1st, 2016, 11:19 am**

DukieInKansas wrote:Love it, Ozzie! I even managed to remember it to tell it twice.

Yeah, I liked it too! More than Ima, apparently

Posted: **December 1st, 2016, 11:41 am**

The parking attendant at the airport shared the following joke Tuesday evening:

What do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummi bear

Which prompted Sister Anne to share with him: What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt

Posted: **December 28th, 2016, 2:46 pm**

Just saw this on FB (apologies to anyone else who saw it)....

A traveler was playing golf at an unfamiliar golf course and got himself hopelessly lost. He walked from the green he was on to the closest tee box, and asked a lady at the tee box, "what hole am I on?" The lady replied, "I'm on hole 7, so you are on hole 6, one hole behind me." The salesman thanked her and went back to the green.

The man got confused after the turn, and again walked to the next tee box. He saw the same lady, and again asked, "what hole am I on?" She responded, "I'm on hole 14, so you are on hole 13, one hole behind me." The man thanked her again and went back to the green.

When the round was completed, the salesman found the lady in the bar. He introduced himself and bought her a beer for her help. While they were chatting, he asked, "What do you do for a living?" The lady replied, "I'm not going to tell you. You will laugh." The man assured her he wouldn't laugh. The lady then said, "I work for Tampax."

The man cracked up laughing.

The woman looked angrily at him and said, "see, I told you."

The man said, "No, you don't understand. I work for Preparation H. I'm STILL a hole behind you."

Posted: **December 28th, 2016, 3:02 pm**

lawgrad91 wrote:Just saw this on FB (apologies to anyone else who saw it)....

A traveler was playing golf at an unfamiliar golf course and got himself hopelessly lost. He walked from the green he was on to the closest tee box, and asked a lady at the tee box, "what hole am I on?" The lady replied, "I'm on hole 7, so you are on hole 6, one hole behind me." The salesman thanked her and went back to the green.

The man got confused after the turn, and again walked to the next tee box. He saw the same lady, and again asked, "what hole am I on?" She responded, "I'm on hole 14, so you are on hole 13, one hole behind me." The man thanked her again and went back to the green.

When the round was completed, the salesman found the lady in the bar. He introduced himself and bought her a beer for her help. While they were chatting, he asked, "What do you do for a living?" The lady replied, "I'm not going to tell you. You will laugh." The man assured her he wouldn't laugh. The lady then said, "I work for Tampax."

The man cracked up laughing.

The woman looked angrily at him and said, "see, I told you."

The man said, "No, you don't understand. I work for Preparation H. I'm STILL a hole behind you."

I sure anticipated that punchline wrong. I thought for sure you'd be referencing some other a-holes...

Posted: **December 29th, 2016, 9:31 pm**

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:Funny Football Quotes

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." - Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!" - Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat, That costs money, and we don't have any." - Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"I never graduated from Iowa . But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras / Iowa

My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ?" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? " "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former carolina football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

They got the McKay quote wrong. It was actually, "Well, we didn't block today, but we made up for it by not tackling."

My favorite McKay quote was:
Reporter: "what did you think of the team's execution?"
McKay: "I'm in favor of it."

He had a million of them though:

"Emotion is highly overrated in football. My wife Corky is emotional as hell but can't play football worth a damn."

"Kickers are like horse manure. They're all over the place."

On his team's blocking strategy: "Hold when you're at home and don't hold when you're on the road."

On how coaching an expansion team is a religious experience: "You do a lot of praying, but most of the time the answer is 'no.'"

On the play of Joe Namath in the Jets' 34-0 victory over Tampa Bay, “Namath is still Namath, but I must say that our guys were nice to him. I noticed when they knocked him down, they helped him to his feet. That was gentlemanly. I thought one stood around long enough to get his autograph.”

On how badly the Bucs looked in losing to the Steelers, 42-0, “There were times I felt like leaving the stadium and hitchhiking home.”

On Tampa Bay ending its 26-game losing streak: "Three or four plane crashes and we're in the playoffs."

On place kicker Pete Rajecki having a bad camp with the Bucs because McKay made him nervous: "I don't think he's got much of a future here, because I plan on going to all the games.''

On the Bucs early games: "Every time I look up, it seems we're punting.''

On opening days: "Opening games make me nervous. To tell the truth, I'd rather open with our second."

After a series of questionable calls helped Notre Dame tie No. 1 USC 21-21 in 1968, McKay was asked about the officiating. He answered, "I'm not surprised. The referee is a fine Catholic fellow by the name of Patrick Murphy."

Asked if Lynn Cain of the Atlanta Falcons was ready to play against the Bucs: "Let me know if Cain is able.''

Posted: **March 19th, 2017, 6:41 pm**

When I was in law school at WFU, one of the dorms on the main quad had a bed sheet hanging out the window with the following exchange painted on it.

In honor of the game being played right now, I share it with all of you.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Tarheel with a Razorback?

A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

Posted: **March 28th, 2017, 10:45 pm**

CB&B made me do this with his kneesles comment in the BB thread.

Young couple checks into hotel room on their wedding night, both inexperienced in sexual pleasures. They debate briefly who would undress first and the young man volunteers but makes his young bride promise not to laugh at him. After removing his pants, he notices her staring at his gnarled knees so she asks, "What happened to your knees?" He replied, "I had kneesles when I was a child." She said, "Don't you mean measles?" No, he re-assured her that he had been told he had kneesles. He then removed his shoes and socks, revealing severely deformed toes. She again queried him and he answered, "I had toe-lio when I was young." She asked him, "Don't you mean polio?" He confidently replied, "No, my doctor and my parents told me it was toe-lio." They paused. He then removed his briefs, she glanced quickly at him and said, "Wait, let me guess, small cox."

Posted: **March 29th, 2017, 11:18 am**

A 70 year old widow decided she wanted to find a new husband, and wrote a personal ad which read: 70 year old widow seeks man of similar age for marriage. Doesn't want anyone who runs around or beats me. Must not have lost abilities in bedroom. If interested, my address is...." and listed her address.

A few days later, her doorbell rings.

She answers the door and finds a man with no arms and legs at her door. "Hello," he said. "I am here to answer your personal ad."

She stammered, "But you don't have any legs." He replied, "yes, and I won't run around on you."

She said, "But you don't have any arms." He replied, "yes, and I won't beat you."

She said, "um, but do you still have, um, your abilities in the bedroom?"

He replied with a big smile, "How do you think I rang your doorbell?"

Posted: **March 29th, 2017, 12:17 pm**

devildeac wrote:CB&B made me do this with his kneesles comment in the BB thread.

Young couple checks into hotel room on their wedding night, both inexperienced in sexual pleasures. They debate briefly who would undress first and the young man volunteers but makes his young bride promise not to laugh at him. After removing his pants, he notices her staring at his gnarled knees so she asks, "What happened to your knees?" He replied, "I had kneesles when I was a child." She said, "Don't you mean measles?" No, he re-assured her that he had been told he had kneesles. He then removed his shoes and socks, revealing severely deformed toes. She again queried him and he answered, "I had toe-lio when I was young." She asked him, "Don't you mean polio?" He confidently replied, "No, my doctor and my parents told me it was toe-lio." They paused. He then removed his briefs, she glanced quickly at him and said, "Wait, let me guess, small cox."

Hehe...and that's where the comment came from in the other thread. ;)

Posted: **March 29th, 2017, 12:19 pm**

lawgrad91 wrote:
He replied with a big smile, "How do you think I rang your doorbell?"

Posted: **March 29th, 2017, 12:27 pm**

Wherever these came from, you've created much laughter at the ID house!

Thanks!

Posted: **March 31st, 2017, 12:14 pm**

Love, Ima

Posted: **June 29th, 2017, 9:13 pm**

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, were all excited about their decision to get married.

They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they passed a drugstore. Jacob suggested they go inside.

Jacob addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answered, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Posted: **June 29th, 2017, 10:52 pm**

CathyCA wrote:Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Posted: **June 30th, 2017, 7:40 am**

That's very funny!

Posted: **June 30th, 2017, 7:59 am**

I'll pass this along to the OP. Since he's MUCH older than I, he'll find it very amusing.
Love, Ima

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