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Re: Jokes
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:30 am
by DevilWearsPrada2.0
Ima Facultiwyfe wrote:LG's funny pharmacy joke reminded me of a true story:
I have a friend ( a really big tarheel fan) who is a pharmacist. Coach K is a customer of his. He told me that one time a lady waiting in line along side K was telling him she was astounded that he would trust such an avid heel fan to fill his prescriptions. Coach responded dryly, "I always give the first pill to the dog."
Love, Ima
Thanks for posting that Ima !
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 8:32 am
by CathyCA
A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 9:16 am
by lawgrad91
CathyCA wrote:A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 9:55 am
by devildeac
CathyCA wrote:A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
You sure that didn't happen in the Varnish Zone?
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 10:44 am
by Very Duke Blue
CathyCA wrote:A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 7:22 pm
by Ima Facultiwyfe
Prolly a true story!
Love,Ima
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 9:11 am
by DevilWearsPrada2.0
CathyCA wrote:A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 9:03 pm
by devildeac
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 4:26 pm
by Very Duke Blue
DD are you sure you didn't make this joke up yourself?
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 4:47 pm
by devildeac
Very Duke Blue wrote:
DD are you sure you didn't make this joke up yourself?
I'm not that funny/clever/creative/witty
.
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 27th, 2015, 10:21 am
by devildeac
An 80 year old man was arrested for shoplifting. When he went before the judge, he asked him what he stole. He replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. "Six," he replied. "Then I will give you six days in jail," the judge said. Then the man's wife spoke up in a voice loud and clear from the back of the courtroom and said, "He stole a can of peas, too!"
Re: Jokes
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 10:57 pm
by Ima Facultiwyfe
REEEEELY good one!
Love, Ima
Re: Jokes
Posted: July 1st, 2015, 9:57 pm
by Very Duke Blue
devildeac wrote:An 80 year old man was arrested for shoplifting. When he went before the judge, he asked him what he stole. He replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. "Six," he replied. "Then I will give you six days in jail," the judge said. Then the man's wife spoke up in a voice loud and clear from the back of the courtroom and said, "He stole a can of peas, too!"
Re: Jokes
Posted: July 2nd, 2015, 11:22 am
by DevilWearsPrada2.0
Re: Jokes
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 3:32 pm
by CameronBornAndBred
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what would you say?"
Re: Jokes
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 4:25 pm
by IowaDevil
Re: Jokes
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 10:28 pm
by OZZIE4DUKE
Re: Jokes
Posted: August 5th, 2015, 9:17 am
by CathyCA
THAT is funny!
Re: Jokes
Posted: August 17th, 2015, 6:48 am
by devildeac
Re: Jokes
Posted: August 19th, 2015, 4:05 pm
by lawgrad91
I saw this on FB, posted by a friend from church.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would certainly be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, dear," replied her grandmother. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
