Jokes

[OZZIE4DUKE]

This may have been posted here before, but it's good enough to do it again!



A balding, white haired man from Naples , Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side .

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See . . . . . . Not All Seniors Are Senile......

[CameronBornAndBred]

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See . . . . . . Not All Seniors Are Senile......

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A man in northern Michigan woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Love, Ima

[CathyCA]

Oh, I get it.

That's funny.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

This is just ... too ... funny!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

This is just ... too ... funny!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM

Very funny Ozzie!!!!

[IowaDevil]

This is just ... too ... funny!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM

You have entertained us tonight!

[Bob Green]

A man in a Washington supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' 'Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The danger of copying from copies!

The new monk is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks
are copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.



The head monk, says, 'We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make
a good point, my son.'



He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !!!

We missed the R !!!

His forehead is all bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...



CELEB R ATE

[CathyCA]

[CameronBornAndBred]

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Here's one for Oz (but I bet he's heard it already).

Joe was on his deathbed when his longtime golf buddy, Frank, came to visit for the last time. Frank said, "Joe, I hope I'm not being unfeeling, but I need to ask you a favor before you go. Joe replied "Anything for you, good buddy."

"Well, Joe, when you get to Heaven, would you do your best to get word to me whether or not there is golf up there?"

"I promise Frank. I'll do my best to let you know."

Joe died and a few nights later Frank was awakened in the middle of the night by someone calling his name. "Frank! Frank! It's ME -- Joe"!!

"Really? REALLY?"

"Yeah", replied Joe, and I have some really good news and a little bad news!"

"Tell me!!" Frank hollered back.

"Well, there IS golf here in Heaven! And what's better is that all the old gang is here and we get to play together any time we want. It's always summer and it never rains! And what's even better than that is that we can even play with all the old greats like Ben Hogan and all!"

"What's the bad news, Joe?"

Joe replied, "Well, you're in my foursome next Saturday."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[CameronBornAndBred]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[windsor]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

[IowaDevil]

Oh man, I can't quit giggling! Where's the LIKE button!

[CameronBornAndBred]

A local artist friend of mine shared this.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's you’re lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom ... you still awake?'

[Bob Green]

Beverly is 90 years old.

She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago.

One day she arrives home looking sad.

"That's it," she tells her husband, Ole, "I'm giving up golf.

My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly, "you're a hundred and three. You can't help."

"I may be a hundred and three," says Ole, "but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her Ole.

She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Ole, "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Beverly.

"I don't remember."