Jokes

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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » February 23rd, 2013, 10:06 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:This isn't a joke, but I didn't know where else to put it. I'll just say this: if the shoe fits, wear it and take this to heart!
SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"
The father was furious.
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"

SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"

SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do.

"Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important.

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^
:spork: :spork: :spork: :spork: :spork: :spork: :spork: :spork: :spork: :spork:
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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captmojo
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Re: Jokes

Post by captmojo » March 9th, 2013, 2:40 pm

The teenagers at a local Catholic church got together this morning to paint a Sunday school classroom. Barbeque was catered in for lunch. Tommy sat with his plate, then he reached into bag a pulled out a bottle of Scotch Bonnett pepper sauce and began to sprinkle it over his food. Then, Mark turned and asked, "What is that stuff, Tommy?" Tommy sat up tall and introduced his bottle as "containing the most powerful liquid substance on Earth. It's more powerful than gasoline, racing fuel or jet fuel." Just then, Father Ramos sat across from Tommy and said, "Tommy, I must disagree with you. Holy Water is known to be the most powerful liquid on Earth. You know, you can rub in a little Holy Water on the belly of an expectant mother and she will pass birth to healthy, happy newborn baby child."

Tommy's response? "I've heard of that Father. But if you want to talk about passing...put a few drops of this stuff on the cat's ass and he'll pass everything on the interstate, the race track and what's trying to take off at the airport!"
:twisted:
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CathyCA
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Re: Jokes

Post by CathyCA » March 13th, 2013, 11:32 am

A rope walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve drinks to ropes here."

The rope then twisted its bottom end on the floor until its fibers began to unravel, and then it tied itself into a half-hitch. Then it ordered a drink again.

The bartender said, "You're still a rope."

The rope replied, "Nope. I'm afraid not."

=))

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Ima Facultiwyfe
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Re: Jokes

Post by Ima Facultiwyfe » March 13th, 2013, 4:57 pm

ouch.
Love, Ima
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Re: Jokes

Post by Ima Facultiwyfe » March 23rd, 2013, 12:33 pm

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to. tell him what Easter represented..

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' ...birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans Hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

Love, Ima :-BD
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Re: Jokes

Post by captmojo » March 23rd, 2013, 1:03 pm

:)) =)) :)) :D :)) =)) :)) :twitch:

Almost made me forget about the sad state of teams that do NOT accept use of the backboard. #-o
"Backboards? Backboards? I'll show'em what to do with a f%#kin' backboard!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Ima Facultiwyfe » March 23rd, 2013, 1:41 pm

captmojo wrote::)) =)) :)) :D :)) =)) :)) :twitch:

Almost made me forget about the sad state of teams that do NOT accept use of the backboard. #-o
You sound like the OP. Two things make him groan. That is one and the other is the stall begun too soon at the end of the game.

Love, Ima
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Re: Jokes

Post by captmojo » March 23rd, 2013, 3:43 pm

The OP is a wise man. ;)
"Backboards? Backboards? I'll show'em what to do with a f%#kin' backboard!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » March 27th, 2013, 6:46 pm

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
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Ima Facultiwyfe
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Re: Jokes

Post by Ima Facultiwyfe » March 30th, 2013, 10:07 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
Well, dang. Now that the cat's out of the bag I guess I can't get away with it anymore. ;;)
Love, Ima
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OZZIE4DUKE
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » March 31st, 2013, 11:18 am

Spanish Oysters

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain .

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,

scrumptious looking platter being served at the

next table.



Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.There is only one serving per day because there is

only one bull fight each morning.



If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.



After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."








=
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!

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CameronBornAndBred
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » April 2nd, 2013, 7:59 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote: "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
=))
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » April 2nd, 2013, 8:00 am

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’

‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for my self.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.

‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’

‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’
‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have my way with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said.

‘THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD AND YOU BOTH STILL BELIEVE IN GENIES???’
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OZZIE4DUKE
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » April 2nd, 2013, 9:11 am

‘THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD AND YOU BOTH STILL BELIEVE IN GENIES???’
I could see it coming, but =)) =)) =))
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!

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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » April 3rd, 2013, 10:50 pm

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » April 4th, 2013, 8:03 am

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!

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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » April 4th, 2013, 8:27 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote: Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
=))
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Re: Jokes

Post by lawgrad91 » April 4th, 2013, 9:03 am

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
OZZIE4DUKE wrote: Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
=))
:hitler:
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Re: Jokes

Post by windsor » April 4th, 2013, 9:22 am

lawgrad91 wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:
OZZIE4DUKE wrote: Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
=))
:hitler:

Best use of smiley.....ever....
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Re: Jokes

Post by windsor » April 4th, 2013, 1:47 pm

Couldn't decide if I should put this under Jokes or LTE...

Love the 'Bracket Hopes'
935x600xLonger-watch-March-Madness.JPG
All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost.
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