Jokes

[Jesus_hurley]

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

My kind of Church!

[CameronBornAndBred]

I have tears rolling down my cheeks after reading about the church ladies. Damn that was funny.

[lawgrad91]

You would not believe how many times my dad's secretaries have typed "sinning" instead of "singing" in the church bulletin or newsletter. Fortunately, he caught most of their typos before the documents were printed. We heard about them at home.

One of my favorite activities during a boring sermon (I'm a PK, so I know a boring sermon when I hear one) is correcting the mistakes in the bulletin.

I have spent many a Sunday looking for errors in bulletins, too. Dad left the ministry when I was very small and went back after my college was completed, so I didn't get the benefit of too many good bulletin stories from him.

[devildeac]

Love those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Most (?all) of those things are just to funny to have been made up or intentional.

[Johnboy]

You would not believe how many times my dad's secretaries have typed "sinning" instead of "singing" in the church bulletin or newsletter. Fortunately, he caught most of their typos before the documents were printed. We heard about them at home.

One of my favorite activities during a boring sermon (I'm a PK, so I know a boring sermon when I hear one) is correcting the mistakes in the bulletin.

Sermon/liturgy errors were our* specialty. I'll never forget the Christmas Eve service when Dad talked about Jesus being born in a stable in Jerusalem (and said it six or seven times).
After the service, I asked: "Hey Dad, where was Jesus born?"
He said "Jeru - OH NO!"
Me: "Oh, yes. Merry Christmas!"


*My siblings and me.

[lawgrad91]

You would not believe how many times my dad's secretaries have typed "sinning" instead of "singing" in the church bulletin or newsletter. Fortunately, he caught most of their typos before the documents were printed. We heard about them at home.

One of my favorite activities during a boring sermon (I'm a PK, so I know a boring sermon when I hear one) is correcting the mistakes in the bulletin.

Sermon/liturgy errors were our* specialty. I'll never forget the Christmas Eve service when Dad talked about Jesus being born in a stable in Jerusalem (and said it six or seven times).
After the service, I asked: "Hey Dad, where was Jesus born?"
He said "Jeru - OH NO!"
Me: "Oh, yes. Merry Christmas!"


*My siblings and me.

Dad filled in for his friends on occasion, and I used to accuse him of saying something inaccurate in sermons to see if I was paying attention. I remember specifically his "Moses and the ark" sermon.

[devildeac]

You would not believe how many times my dad's secretaries have typed "sinning" instead of "singing" in the church bulletin or newsletter. Fortunately, he caught most of their typos before the documents were printed. We heard about them at home.

One of my favorite activities during a boring sermon (I'm a PK, so I know a boring sermon when I hear one) is correcting the mistakes in the bulletin.

Sermon/liturgy errors were our* specialty. I'll never forget the Christmas Eve service when Dad talked about Jesus being born in a stable in Jerusalem (and said it six or seven times).
After the service, I asked: "Hey Dad, where was Jesus born?"
He said "Jeru - OH NO!"
Me: "Oh, yes. Merry Christmas!"


*My siblings and me.

Dad filled in for his friends on occasion, and I used to accuse him of saying something inaccurate in sermons to see if I was paying attention. I remember specifically his "Moses and the ark" sermon.

He must have had him confused with Abraham and the flood.

Or was that Noah and the burning bush?

;)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

To get us in the groove for the Bama game







> Quick on his feet
>
>A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and >asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that >department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The >man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
>
>Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some >ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his >sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he >added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
>
>The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the >manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got >yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on >their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
>
>" Alabama, sir." the boy replied.
>
>"Well, why did you leave Alabama ?" the manager asked.
>
>The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."
>
>"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Alabama "
>
>"Get outta here!" the boy said, "Who'd she play for?"

[devildeac]

To get us in the groove for the Bama game







> Quick on his feet
>
>A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and >asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that >department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The >man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
>
>Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some >ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his >sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he >added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
>
>The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the >manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got >yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on >their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
>
>" Alabama, sir." the boy replied.
>
>"Well, why did you leave Alabama ?" the manager asked.
>
>The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."
>
>"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Alabama "
>
>"Get outta here!" the boy said, "Who'd she play for?"

I was for this to appear here.

[EarlJam]

-EarlJam

[CameronBornAndBred]

glenn-beck-2.jpg

-EarlJam

Oh wait...PPB!! PPB!!
But still fukkin funny.

[CameronBornAndBred]

Zen Teachings..sorta

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[devildeac]

Zen Teachings..sorta

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I just learned that when you copy and post it in an email, it works!

[EarlJam]

Zen Teachings..sorta

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

I LOVE this one!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I've also heard this one as, "Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you've just made a lousy business decision."
-EarlJam

[captmojo]

Zen Teachings..sorta

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The last one is a real point of wisdom.


Damn! You know you're getting old when you're talking laxatives. Next thing you know, the new word could be...'ointment'!

[bjornolf]

That reminds me about a Jeff Foxworthy joke. He went to a Grateful Dead concert a while back, and they were passing hits of metamucil instead of acid.

[colchar]

I wish I could participate but I don't think I know any jokes that aren't ridiculously, and I do mean ridiculously, offensive.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER
Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (22 years ago), and yet, the
Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file.
It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years.
It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license,
It's on the last eight damn passports I've had,
It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before
being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years.
And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that
neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f______address.
What is going on?
You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes.
I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe
you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another f______ copy of my birth certificate - to the tune of $100.
Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I
could get a new passport the same day?
Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too
logical for the f_______ government.
You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads
cut off.
Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the
damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile.
Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!

Signed
- An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture
is me?
Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776.
I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had
security clearances up the ying yang.
However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

[devildeac]

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER
Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (22 years ago), and yet, the
Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file.
It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years.
It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license,
It's on the last eight damn passports I've had,
It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before
being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years.
And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that
neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f______address.
What is going on?
You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes.
I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe
you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another f______ copy of my birth certificate - to the tune of $100.
Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I
could get a new passport the same day?
Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too
logical for the f_______ government.
You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads
cut off.
Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the
damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile.
Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!

Signed
- An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture
is me?
Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776.
I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had
security clearances up the ying yang.
However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

Sad but true.