Jokes

[CathyCA]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

[devildeac]

It's the Christmas season and all the new young lions and lionesses (and senior partners) were gathered at a swank club affiliated with their large accounting firm for their 1st Christmas party. A couple of the new associates, one from unc and the other from Duke, just finished using the men's room and returned to the party when individual introductions were beginning. All of the new hires were presented and then asked to say something about themselves. The Duke grad's list of early accomplishments was an impressive one. The unc hire was next and recited his short list, but also took the opportunity to poke fun at the Blue Devil and said to the CEO, for all to hear, "and your most impressive Duke grad neglected to use soap and water as he exited the men's room." After the chuckles had subsided and everyone turned their attention to our fellow alum, the CEO said, "well?" To which our hero quickly responded,









"at Duke they teach us not to pee on our hands."

[devildeac]

I anticipate the following scenario many years in the future:

el deano dies and enters the pearly gates of heaven (indulge me here a bit folks ). He meets with God and God assigns him his eternal residence. It is a small, humble cottage with 2 BR, 2 baths and a modest front porch with a couple wooden rockers. coach smith appears a bit despondent and asks God if this was truly his final home as he thought he deserved something a bit larger (like his schnozz) and more fitting for his stature as the Helms foundation proclaimed best college BB coach of all time (cough, cough). God replied that there were a lot of new residents of heaven now and that is the dwelling that He had assigned to the nasal one. Dean, still the persistent bastard, asked God again if He was sure he didn't have something nicer like God's house way up on the hill (not THAT hill ;) ) with the gorgeous two story columns, ornate brick work, swimming pool, 4 car garage, 6 BR, 5 baths and large gym attached. God quickly replied, "oh, that's not My house." Dean was flabbergasted and blurted out, "well, whose house is it then?" And The Lord spoke and said,




"That's Mike Krzyzewski's house."

[Jesus_hurley]

Stop me if you've heard this one before....

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

[cl15876]

Stop me if you've heard this one before....

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

[CameronBornAndBred]

Stop me if you've heard this one before....

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Hey DD...it's never too early to plan....

[Hancock4Duke]

Name Fail!

[devildeac]

Stop me if you've heard this one before....

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Hey DD...it's never too early to plan....

great ideer

[cl15876]

Name Fail!

Reaching the bottom of the barrel!!!! with that one!!!!! what will you do for a post!!!! ;)

[Hancock4Duke]

A man and his wife were in the bed, and the woman let out a fart. The man looked at her like and said "What the heck was that?" The woman replied, "Touchdown, 7-0 I'm winning." Then the man got the idea, and held one for a second, and let it rip. It stunk up the room like a cow pasture. The woman said "Now what the heck was THAT?" He replied, "7-7 Tied game." Once again, the woman let one slip EVEN LOUDER. She stated "14-7, I'm ahead." The man held it in, pushed, and pushed some more, and let one out that went "PFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTSLURP," and accidentally crapped in his pants. The wife said "Oh my GOD! WHAT WAS THAT?" He said "Halftime, time to switch sides!"

[cl15876]

A man and his wife were in the bed, and the woman let out a fart. The man looked at her like and said "What the heck was that?" The woman replied, "Touchdown, 7-0 I'm winning." Then the man got the idea, and held one for a second, and let it rip. It stunk up the room like a cow pasture. The woman said "Now what the heck was THAT?" He replied, "7-7 Tied game." Once again, the woman let one slip EVEN LOUDER. She stated "14-7, I'm ahead." The man held it in, pushed, and pushed some more, and let one out that went "PFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTSLURP," and accidentally crapped in his pants. The wife said "Oh my GOD! WHAT WAS THAT?" He said "Halftime, time to switch sides!"

LOL!!!! LOL!!!!!! LOL!!!!

BTW - that WAS GOOD, but note for future, comedians, don't laugh at their own jokes, however, if I would have delivered that joke, I would have been ROFLMAO also!!!! NICE......!

[Hancock4Duke]

A man and his wife were in the bed, and the woman let out a fart. The man looked at her like and said "What the heck was that?" The woman replied, "Touchdown, 7-0 I'm winning." Then the man got the idea, and held one for a second, and let it rip. It stunk up the room like a cow pasture. The woman said "Now what the heck was THAT?" He replied, "7-7 Tied game." Once again, the woman let one slip EVEN LOUDER. She stated "14-7, I'm ahead." The man held it in, pushed, and pushed some more, and let one out that went "PFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTSLURP," and accidentally crapped in his pants. The wife said "Oh my GOD! WHAT WAS THAT?" He said "Halftime, time to switch sides!"

LOL!!!! LOL!!!!!! LOL!!!!

BTW - that WAS GOOD, but note for future, comedians, don't laugh at their own jokes, however, if I would have delivered that joke, I would have been ROFLMAO also!!!! NICE......!

Thank you, Thank you

[devildeac]

Let's see about this one:

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pack of panties for herself. During the store wrapping, the items got mixed up and the sweetheart ended up with the panties.



Without checking the contents (who would have thunk), Jim had sent the present to his sweetheart with the following note:



Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and they really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. I’m thinking how many times I will kiss the hands that are in them. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style: folded down with the fur showing.

[cl15876]

Let's see about this one:

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pack of panties for herself. During the store wrapping, the items got mixed up and the sweetheart ended up with the panties.



Without checking the contents (who would have thunk), Jim had sent the present to his sweetheart with the following note:



Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and they really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. I’m thinking how many times I will kiss the hands that are in them. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style: folded down with the fur showing.

Uh O!!!!

[captmojo]

OK ..... NSFW..... or some polite mixed company.

Brown, Smith and Jones, all worked together at the same place and everyday after work, they all gathered at the corner bar for a drink before going home.

This one particular day, all day long, none of the three had said a word to anyone.

They got to the bar, got their drinks and sat down at the same table as usual with the exception of pensive silence.

Finally, Brown speaks up...
Smitty. 'What troubling you today? You've been very quiet."
Smith: "Well, it's a family matter. I'd rather not talk about it."
Brown:"Aw, go ahead. You're amongst friends. Maybe we can help."
Smith:"OK. Here goes. This morning, as I was leaving for work, I went upstairs to my daughter's room to get her up for school. As I turned to leave her room, I saw two empty vodka bottles in her trash can."
Jones: " Oh man! That's awful."
Smith:"Yeah. I didn't know she was drinking."
Brown: "It's nothing...a phase."

Brown: "Alright Jones. Your turn. What's your problem?"
Jones:"Well, it's nearly the same as Smitty's. Only, when I left my daughter's room, I saw three empty cartons of Camel cigarettes on her nightstand."
Smith:"Sorry to hear that Jonesy."
Jones:"Man. I didn't know she had started smoking."
Brown:"Ahh, it's a phase. She'll get over it."

Smith:"Mr. Brown. Quiet yourself today. What has your panties in a wad, pal?"
Brown: "Upon leaving my daughter's room last night, I discovered a dozen condoms in her top dresser drawer."
Jones:"Oh wow. Sorry to hear that Brownie. I didn't know she was sexually active."
Brown: "Sexually active??????????????"















"I didn't even know she had a cock!"

[cl15876]

Here's one I heard the other day I thought was very cute....

Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love!
The ceremony wasn't so hot, but the reception was GREAT!!!!

[cl15876]

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face..

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, (highlight to see)
'What happened to my booger?'

[CameronBornAndBred]

She replied, (highlight to see)
'What happened to my booger?'

[bjornolf]

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face..

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, (highlight to see)
'What happened to my booger?'

That is HYSTERICAL.

[CathyCA]

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face..

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, (highlight to see)
'What happened to my booger?'

I love this joke! It makes me laugh and hurl at the same time.