Jokes

[OZZIE4DUKE]

65 Years Ago.


This is PRICELESS ...............

Have gotten a lot of mileage out of this one and you made a lot of folks in the midwest smile today! Thx!

Glad to be of service!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[knights68]

[img]plumbers.jpg[/img]

[CameronBornAndBred]

Not all dumb blondes are female.

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


The blonde opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.



The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[CathyCA]

Not all dumb blondes are female.

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


The blonde opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.



The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

I had to think about this for a second or two. Now I can't stop laughing.

[DevilAlumna]

How do you catch a polar bear?

Find a frozen lake. Cut a hole in the ice, then line the hole with peas. (Hide and wait......)






When the polar bear bends over to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole.

[CameronBornAndBred]

How do you catch a polar bear?

Find a frozen lake. Cut a hole in the ice, then line the hole with peas. (Hide and wait......)






When the polar bear bends over to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole.

[devildeac]

From a courtroom in the Varnish Zone last year:

Judge asks the accused to approach the bench and what she pleads. She says, "Guilty, your Honor." Judge asks what she was arrested for and she said she stole a can of peaches. Judge then asks her if she knew how many peaches were in the can but she was not sure so the judge just told her to take a guess so she said, "Six." He responded, "Then I sentence you to six days in jail for shop-lifting a can of peaches" and called for the next case. Before he could proceed, there was a voice that spoke up from the back of the courtroom and asked for his attention. The judge, being a busy man, was a bit disturbed but asked the man who he was and he replied, "I'm her husband." The judge then proceeded to inquire what he wanted to say so her husband stepped forward and announced, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[lawgrad91]

From a courtroom in the Varnish Zone last year:

Judge asks the accused to approach the bench and what she pleads. She says, "Guilty, your Honor." Judge asks what she was arrested for and she said she stole a can of peaches. Judge then asks her if she knew how many peaches were in the can but she was not sure so the judge just told her to take a guess so she said, "Six." He responded, "Then I sentence you to six days in jail for shop-lifting a can of peaches" and called for the next case. Before he could proceed, there was a voice that spoke up from the back of the courtroom and asked for his attention. The judge, being a busy man, was a bit disturbed but asked the man who he was and he replied, "I'm her husband." The judge then proceeded to inquire what he wanted to say so her husband stepped forward and announced, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

The sad thing is, this could be true with our cast of traveling judges.

[lawgrad91]

A man applied for a job at the Post Office and has an interview.
The interviewer asked him, "Do you have any allergies?" The applicant replied, "Caffeine. I am allergic to caffeine."
The interviewer then asked, "Have you ever been in the military?" The applicant replied, "Yes, I served a tour in Iraq."
"Okay, that earns you five bonus points toward employment. Do you have any disabilities?"
The applicant said, "I was wounded in Iraq and lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaced and said, "Wow. Ok, I don't need to ask anything else, I can hire you on the spot. Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. Be here tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on being here at 10 every day."
The applicant looked puzzled and said, "If you start at 8, why do you want me here at 10?"
The interviewer said, "This is a government job. We get here at 8 and spend two hours drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you being here for that."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A man applied for a job at the Post Office and has an interview.
The interviewer asked him, "Do you have any allergies?" The applicant replied, "Caffeine. I am allergic to caffeine."
The interviewer then asked, "Have you ever been in the military?" The applicant replied, "Yes, I served a tour in Iraq."
"Okay, that earns you five bonus points toward employment. Do you have any disabilities?"
The applicant said, "I was wounded in Iraq and lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaced and said, "Wow. Ok, I don't need to ask anything else, I can hire you on the spot. Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. Be here tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on being here at 10 every day."
The applicant looked puzzled and said, "If you start at 8, why do you want me here at 10?"
The interviewer said, "This is a government job. We get here at 8 and spend two hours drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you being here for that."

[IowaDevil]

A man applied for a job at the Post Office and has an interview.
The interviewer asked him, "Do you have any allergies?" The applicant replied, "Caffeine. I am allergic to caffeine."
The interviewer then asked, "Have you ever been in the military?" The applicant replied, "Yes, I served a tour in Iraq."
"Okay, that earns you five bonus points toward employment. Do you have any disabilities?"
The applicant said, "I was wounded in Iraq and lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaced and said, "Wow. Ok, I don't need to ask anything else, I can hire you on the spot. Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. Be here tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on being here at 10 every day."
The applicant looked puzzled and said, "If you start at 8, why do you want me here at 10?"
The interviewer said, "This is a government job. We get here at 8 and spend two hours drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you being here for that."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[CameronBornAndBred]

[IowaDevil]

What do you say to a Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a 3-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise!

This contributed by the Old Ref/Mr ID (OR from here on)

[CathyCA]

What do you say to a Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a 3-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise!

This contributed by the Old Ref/Mr ID (OR from here on)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Look what happens when we cut down too many trees.

Global warming is one thing.., but see below and look at what might happen if we continue to clear our forests!

We have to stop cutting down trees! This is getting serious!

[CameronBornAndBred]

From a FB post today...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[knights68]

Not a joke, just cook as heck....
Some may have already seen this

This is really cool! You have to see it!

Coke ad - Three minutes of pure entertainment!!! Its cool……

You'll love this ... created by some Engineer Students. Outside the box,
like a Rube Goldberg... if you're of a certain age to know who Rube was.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEBJmZL8G1E

[IowaDevil]

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how it was being split up. The State Department is hiring all the Twinkies, the Secret Service is hiring all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters have already sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.