Jokes

[lawgrad91]

Economic lesson for today...
Subject:

$7.00 Sex



An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.





SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...!!!!!!

I made the mistake of checking the joke thread in church this morning. Snickers, like whispers, carry.

[CathyCA]

Economic lesson for today...
Subject:

$7.00 Sex



An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.





SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...!!!!!!

I made the mistake of checking the joke thread in church this morning. Snickers, like whispers, carry.

You mean you weren't paying rapt attention to the sermon? For shame!

[lawgrad91]

I made the mistake of checking the joke thread in church this morning. Snickers, like whispers, carry.

You mean you weren't paying rapt attention to the sermon? For shame!

The Reverend Lawgrad preached the same sermon last week, twice, and yesterday, twice. He currently has 4 churches. Usually I only hear the same sermon two times, but he felt compelled to preach this sermon to all 4 churches. At least I think he did in the fourth church, which is where I checked CTN.

[CathyCA]

I made the mistake of checking the joke thread in church this morning. Snickers, like whispers, carry.

You mean you weren't paying rapt attention to the sermon? For shame!

The Reverend Lawgrad preached the same sermon last week, twice, and yesterday, twice. He currently has 4 churches. Usually I only hear the same sermon two times, but he felt compelled to preach this sermon to all 4 churches. At least I think he did in the fourth church, which is where I checked CTN.

You are a good wife, to listen to Rev. Lawgrad's sermon that many times. There will be stars in your crown.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[IowaDevil]

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

You gave the ID's a belly laugh tonight! Thx

[devildeac]

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

[CathyCA]

Olympic Humor:

The husband said to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Wowee! I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

His wife replied, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change?"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Olympic Humor:

The husband said to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Wowee! I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

His wife replied, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change?"

Is bronze for a threesom?

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him...


One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, " Excuse me, do you speak English ?"

Lee responded, " Yes Ma'am, I do. "

The lady then asked, " What do you charge to do yard work ? "

Lee said, " Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City . The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady - I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

[captmojo]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City . The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady - I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

CAPITALIST!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Regardless of your political leanings, this is just plain funny!

According to Peggy Noonan's most recent WSJ column on line:


"It is good that Joe Biden is going to the Republican National Convention to hold high the flag of his party. People make fun of his gaffes, of his embarrassing verbal forays, but he's no fool and he knows how to take it to the other guy. The speech he is working on, to be given in the heart of downtown, just across from the convention site, will be stirring and stentorian: "All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Tampa, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words, 'Ich bin ein Tampon.'"

[lawgrad91]

Regardless of your political leanings, this is just plain funny!

According to Peggy Noonan's most recent WSJ column on line:


"It is good that Joe Biden is going to the Republican National Convention to hold high the flag of his party. People make fun of his gaffes, of his embarrassing verbal forays, but he's no fool and he knows how to take it to the other guy. The speech he is working on, to be given in the heart of downtown, just across from the convention site, will be stirring and stentorian: "All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Tampa, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words, 'Ich bin ein Tampon.'"

Bless his heart. When he was in Danville, he made a speech at the community college, telling the crowd with their help, they could win North Carolina.

One slight problem: Danville is NORTH of the VA-NC border.

[captmojo]

"All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Tampa, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words, 'Ich bin ein Tampon.'"

[/quote]
Well, he had to pull some strings...(insert rimshot here)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A "carnalcopia" of Monday morning humor!

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'


Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..



Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------


Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

______________________________



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
___________________________________

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'




Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folks.

[lawgrad91]

Stolen, er, borrowed, from FB:

A man and his ever-nagging wife visited the Holy Land. While they were there, she had a heart attack and died. The undertaker told the man, "If you want her shipped back to the United States, it will cost you $5000. Or you can bury here in Jerusalem for $150." To the undertaker's surprise, the man said, "Please ship her back to the US. I'll pay the $5000."

The undertaker said, "Sir, with all due respect, why do you want to pay all that money to ship her back? We will have a lovely burial for her here."

The man replied, "Well, two thousand years ago a man died and you buried him here. Three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take any chances with that happening again."

[CathyCA]

Stolen, er, borrowed, from FB:

A man and his ever-nagging wife visited the Holy Land. While they were there, she had a heart attack and died. The undertaker told the man, "If you want her shipped back to the United States, it will cost you $5000. Or you can bury here in Jerusalem for $150." To the undertaker's surprise, the man said, "Please ship her back to the US. I'll pay the $5000."

The undertaker said, "Sir, with all due respect, why do you want to pay all that money to ship her back? We will have a lovely burial for her here."

The man replied, "Well, two thousand years ago a man died and you buried him here. Three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take any chances with that happening again."

Love it!

I've already forwarded it to several people.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

65 Years Ago.


This is PRICELESS ...............

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since

she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,

she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and

dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black

car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and

said, "Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your

entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able

to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

(Here it is:)

[IowaDevil]

65 Years Ago.


This is PRICELESS ...............

Have gotten a lot of mileage out of this one and you made a lot of folks in the midwest smile today! Thx!