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Re: Jokes

Posted: July 17th, 2009, 2:20 pm
by captmojo
Why did the redneck loser cross the road?

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 17th, 2009, 3:45 pm
by OZZIE4DUKE
captmojo wrote:Why did the redneck loser cross the road?
To pick up dinner (that didn't make it all the way across)?

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 17th, 2009, 3:51 pm
by CathyCA
captmojo wrote:Why did the redneck loser cross the road?
To catch the chicken so he could roast it for supper?

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 17th, 2009, 4:58 pm
by captmojo
He had a chicken stuck on the end of his...eh.......(ahem) :D

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 17th, 2009, 6:45 pm
by CathyCA
captmojo wrote:He had a chicken stuck on the end of his...eh.......(ahem) :D
Haha! I can think of a way to make that rhyme.

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 19th, 2009, 6:07 pm
by bjornolf
I like the dinner response. My wife has some kin that eat roadkill on a semi-regular basis. They also eat squirrel, and coon, and some other fun things.

%%-

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 21st, 2009, 3:59 pm
by CameronBornAndBred
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'




'Only when he's been drinking.'

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 21st, 2009, 4:10 pm
by CathyCA
CameronBornAndBred wrote:A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'




'Only when he's been drinking.'
I smell a divorce coming on. . . :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 21st, 2009, 5:27 pm
by cl15876
CathyCA wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'




'Only when he's been drinking.'
I smell a divorce coming on. . . :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 21st, 2009, 10:52 pm
by devildeac
CameronBornAndBred wrote:A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'




'Only when he's been drinking.'
:)) :)) =)) =))

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 7:48 pm
by CameronBornAndBred
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette , and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted.

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 8:11 pm
by cl15876
CameronBornAndBred wrote:Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette , and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted.
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 9:11 pm
by captmojo
cl15876 wrote: =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Total agreement!
=))

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 10:08 pm
by captmojo
Abner: I ain't buyin' from those machines in the Men's room anymore.
Ewalt: Yeah. Me either. That chewing gum in there tastes like RUBBER.
Abner: Yeah, but they do blow a dandy bubble.
:-j

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 11:01 pm
by CameronBornAndBred
captmojo wrote:Abner: I ain't buyin' from those machines in the Men's room anymore.
Ewalt: Yeah. Me either. That chewing gum in there tastes like RUBBER.
Abner: Yeah, but they do blow a dandy bubble.
:-j
I'm reading this and my wife is staring at me wonderng why I'm laughing to myself.
:))

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 11:07 pm
by devildeac
cl15876 wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette , and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted.
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))


I'll see you: =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) and raise you: :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 11:45 pm
by Hancock4Duke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 11:47 pm
by OZZIE4DUKE
Hancock4Duke wrote:A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
That's very good for a young whipper-snapper like you!

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 9:24 am
by captmojo
Hancock4Duke wrote:A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Three blondes walked into a building....

































You'd think, at least, one of them would have seen it. 8-}

Re: Jokes

Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 9:30 am
by CameronBornAndBred
captmojo wrote: You'd think, at least, one of them would have seen it. 8-}
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) :)) :)) :)) :))